in hoc veritas non est in omnibus

I had a lot of time to think today at work, since my computer was in use by our IT department and the tech decided to go to lunch while he was working on my machine. One of the things I was thinking about is the increased hatred for Americans around the world. This was more than likely spurred on by the release of the video today of ISIL murdering another US citizen. What I started to wonder is why a group of people can hate other people so much. How can a country on the other side of the globe stir such ire in another group of people? The only conclusion I can come up with is our government is doing a lot more than we know about. Our military presence must be doing more than liberating, providing humanitarian assistance, and ensuring democracy. I'm not saying that our troops are knowingly responsible for these actions, but they (and not all of them, but perhaps covert ops and elite groups) have to be committing atrocities at the order of our government on a scale that we can't comprehend at home. Or we having to be funding/training/coercing the ones doing the atrocities and the locals know what we don't. I've seen the outrage people are directing at the jihadists for killing another US citizen, and I don't condone it and think they need to be brought to justice for it, but I think instead of "huntin' terrorists" we, the citizens of the U.S., need to demand to know why we are targeted, and start looking at the root cause and peaking under the hood of our own machine. This can't be simply because we are viewed as blasphemous and infidels in the eyes of their god. We (The U.S. government) have to be doing more in that region that we (the U.S. citizens and even the military serving in these regions) don't know about. I'm sure I could expand on this argument, and I know this is a very broad stroke I'm painting with very little detail, but it is something to consider.

Vacant Illumination

Here it is, 6:30 AM on the middle day of a three day weekend and I can't sleep. I've been up for over an hour, out of bed for over half an hour, and I'm finally trying to do something productive by at least writing out my thoughts. Basically I can't sleep because I can't figure out what I'm supposed to do in life. Career wise that is. I don't mind doing what I'm doing, but it sure as hell won't make me comfortable in life. First off, I never thought I'd live to see 37, let alone still be living paycheck to paycheck at this age with no foreseeable relief on the horizon. The problem is, I don't know what else I'd want to do. I've tried doing computer stuff, but quite honestly it bores me and I really don't like trying to fix everyone's computer problems. I'm not a helper or nurturer. I get frustrated easily with people that want me to fix their problems. That's just not my personality, and it never will be so things like desktop support just aren't going to work for me. My other problem seems to be a lack of a degree, and unfortunately right now returning to school isn't an option. My wife is too entwined in her job to leave it and become the breadwinner temporarily so that I can take a more flexible, albeit lower paying wage, to return to school. I am great with coming up with reasons I can't do something, but I am horrible at coming up with reasons I can do something. This, however, circles back to the fact I have no idea what I want to do. I'm sure if I could figure that part out, I would be able to put aside the excuse and get it done. Here's hoping inspiration strikes soon, the longer it takes, the deeper my hole gets.

Consciousness

Post by Matt Dittemore.

Lamentable

Normally I like watching the local broadcasts of sporting events. I like to hear the "homer" announcers and get the insights of the local team as opposed to the visiting team. That being said, I cannot stand watching the local coverage of the Arizona Cardinals when they have Ron Wolfley doing the color commentary. I get that he used to be a professional football player. I also get that former athletes typically make good commentators as they have insight to the inner workings of (insert sport here) that those who did not play do not have. Joe Morgan was a great example in baseball. TNT has done a great job bringing former NBA players and coaches in on their broadcasts. Even Fox and CBS have done well with most of the former football players they have brought in. But locally, Wolf just sucks. For me, the former athlete should bring the insight they have in the game, and relay it to the fan in a way that the fan can relate. Wolf does not do that. In fact, Wolf alienates the fan. He has a way of making you feel like you have no choice but to take his word because he knows and you don't. He was there and you weren't. He constantly uses vernacular that is clearly internal to the game as a way to belittle the casual fan and make himself appear superior. He is basically a color commentary bully. You will take his word on things because he was there and you were not so he must be right. I seriously don't know how this guy still has this job, let alone his job as a morning radio host, at least in a market the size of Phoenix. Seriously, this guy has said some of the most douchebag things I've ever heard on the radio. The average person doesn't know what competition is because they weren't an elite level athlete??? Seriously??? I cannot tell you how relived I am that after tonight there is only one more game where I will have to listen to this asshat. I'd be willing to bet the other broadcasters feel the same way. Just tonight Wolf made some obscure reference to Silence Of The Lambs and nobody got it and he belittled them. I have seen plenty of other ex football players trying to make it into TV and while they may not be four time pro-bowl players like Wolf was, they are far better suited to be color commentators. Please, please, please ABC 15 get rid of this guy. I want to enjoy the game while I'm watching. Yes I want insight from a former player, but I don't want to feel belittled or bullied while I'm watching a game like I don't know shit about anything because I didn't play in the NFL. I'm willing to be 99% of the millions and millions of fans you have world wide didn't play in the NFL and a lot of them understand the game. I love watching football but seriously I cannot wait for pre-season to be over, and not because of the quality of play. I love watching these guys work their asses off to try and make the team. I just don't know how much longer I can watch and not jam pencils into my ears from the grating sound that is Ron Wolfley's bullying voice.

Obeisance

I'm currently in a state of homeostasis. There is plenty in the world to be concerned about but not single issue is triggering my need to vent, so I simply wish to express my wishes for a relaxed, bliss filled weekend for you all. Or if you are so inclined, an action packed, take no prisoners weekend. Whatever path makes you happy, enjoy.

Self-centered

Robin Williams, rest in piece, has had a far more profound affect on my life en finis than he ever did while he was alive. I enjoyed his work while he was alive, but in passing he has provided me with far deeper rewards than a few mere laughs at his jokes. The circumstances of his untimely demise have brought about much discussion on the topics of depression and suicide. As somebody that has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety in the past, I appreciate the dialogues that are opening up about what debilitating conditions these can be. I've seen many discussions, from across the internet to here in my own home, and there seems to be two camps: those who understand and those that think its a farce. Everyone is entitled to their opinions, I'm not writing this to dissuade or promote either argument. I'm simply trying to describe things from my perspective.

I want to be very clear in stating that I have never attempted to harm myself or am I planning to, nor have I ever gone so far as to consider it, but I have contemplated the many aspects of suicide. To be honest, my wife asked me if I ever would tell her if I got to that point. I told her I didn't know. It was the truth and that's all I could respond. I had never contemplated the idea so wholly as to think about whether I would reach out for help nor did I want to because honestly I scare myself when I think that deep sometimes because that's where odd notions become possibilities. What I do know, and have thought about, is this: The people that say that suicide is the coward's way out are wrong. I think if you are so completely debilitated that you are to the point where you are capable of suicide, you are doing the right thing. The coward's way would be to stay. When I think about my kids, I think it would be cowardly to stay. If I were to all of a sudden disappear and never come back, it would be probably the single most heart-wrenching experience my children would ever go through. Leaving them because I couldn't function in the head is far easier to do than staying and watching them achieve all their hopes and dreams because I believe in my heart of all hearts that staying and having them watch me wither away to a shell, and becoming a drain on the family and possibly costing them their dreams would be far more emotionally damning than me just not being there one day. I couldn't fathom having my kids resent me because I cost them what they worked for, or even caused them to not have a chance to work for them. And that goes for my wife too. I would hate to think that I caused her any unhappiness because of me. I know I already have, but I mean if I thought she could have a much better life without me than we can have together, then I would rather her be free and happy without me than for her to be resentful and feel like a caretaker. I wouldn't want my parents to feel like they had any hand in me being a failure, not capable of taking care of himself or his family. I'm not saying that is the proper line of thinking. I'm saying, that is how my mind chooses to consider things.

This is the part where most people are probably thinking "well that's why you get anit-depressants and take your meds and you'll be ok." That's possible. But I'll tell you from experience that there is a state of existence where you feel no emotions. When you are taking on the regiment of pills daily to cope, you reach a state of being where you feel nothing. Sure, you have your spikes. Something can be funny, or something can make you made, but the better part of the emotional plane of existence is flat and that is not living. When you are so tuned out emotionally that you feel nothing, that is a prison worse than the one of depression. At least when you are in the throws of depression you feel something. You have emotions. You are alive. But not when you are on the meds. When you are on the meds you are practically dead already. You are one big walking zombie not feeling a thing. It is more depressing to feel nothing than it is to feel depressed. So that's why we stop taking the meds. Then we feel again. And if you are anything like me, as soon as you start feeling again you are happy. Hell, life is just about better than ever. But eventually, the blackness splashes back at your feet, and before you know it you are drowning in your depression again. It's a hellacious cycle and because you know how bad it is to feel nothing, you push back the meds. "No, I can hold out a little while longer" you think. And so you wait to start looking for help again. You wait because you know that while you need to feel nothing to save yourself that feeling nothing is the worst thing imaginable. And the waiting game is where you lose it. If you wait too long, you are beyond help.

Since the midnight hour is close at hand, I will call it an evening. Just please keep in mind, whatever your feelings on suicide, just know that if somebody you care for is suffering, it isn't the time to proselytize. It's the time for action. Get them to a professional. Get them the help they need. They will thank you for it in the long run.

Supplicate

Welcome. Once again I am attempting to blog. Each time I start over I like to think I get better at it, so I'm optimistic that this one might actually draw some interest. If you haven't read anything I've written before, here's a little overture. I tend to write emotionally. I don't mean sappy, chick flick, box of tissues emotionally, I mean when I get a feeling for something, some topic that generally had a profound affect on my day, I write about it. I write, get it out, and move on. I tend not to dwell on things too long. For one, this gives me a great diary of who I am and what frame of mind I was in at a certain point in my life. Secondly, it gives me an outlet. I was forced to quit smoking years ago, so writing tends to be a nice way for me to have my own sort of "smoke break" still. Any way, if you like anything you see, please share it with others. Subscribe even. Or better you, and and everyone you tell about this place subscribe, that way you won't miss any of my epic fail attempts to be funny or ire inspiring. Also, please comment. It's typically interactions that give me material for more topics. I welcome suggestions or questions. Feel free to ask me how I feel about something. I may not answer what you like but I will answer honestly.

Thank you for stopping by and enjoy.