Self-centered

Robin Williams, rest in piece, has had a far more profound affect on my life en finis than he ever did while he was alive. I enjoyed his work while he was alive, but in passing he has provided me with far deeper rewards than a few mere laughs at his jokes. The circumstances of his untimely demise have brought about much discussion on the topics of depression and suicide. As somebody that has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety in the past, I appreciate the dialogues that are opening up about what debilitating conditions these can be. I've seen many discussions, from across the internet to here in my own home, and there seems to be two camps: those who understand and those that think its a farce. Everyone is entitled to their opinions, I'm not writing this to dissuade or promote either argument. I'm simply trying to describe things from my perspective.

I want to be very clear in stating that I have never attempted to harm myself or am I planning to, nor have I ever gone so far as to consider it, but I have contemplated the many aspects of suicide. To be honest, my wife asked me if I ever would tell her if I got to that point. I told her I didn't know. It was the truth and that's all I could respond. I had never contemplated the idea so wholly as to think about whether I would reach out for help nor did I want to because honestly I scare myself when I think that deep sometimes because that's where odd notions become possibilities. What I do know, and have thought about, is this: The people that say that suicide is the coward's way out are wrong. I think if you are so completely debilitated that you are to the point where you are capable of suicide, you are doing the right thing. The coward's way would be to stay. When I think about my kids, I think it would be cowardly to stay. If I were to all of a sudden disappear and never come back, it would be probably the single most heart-wrenching experience my children would ever go through. Leaving them because I couldn't function in the head is far easier to do than staying and watching them achieve all their hopes and dreams because I believe in my heart of all hearts that staying and having them watch me wither away to a shell, and becoming a drain on the family and possibly costing them their dreams would be far more emotionally damning than me just not being there one day. I couldn't fathom having my kids resent me because I cost them what they worked for, or even caused them to not have a chance to work for them. And that goes for my wife too. I would hate to think that I caused her any unhappiness because of me. I know I already have, but I mean if I thought she could have a much better life without me than we can have together, then I would rather her be free and happy without me than for her to be resentful and feel like a caretaker. I wouldn't want my parents to feel like they had any hand in me being a failure, not capable of taking care of himself or his family. I'm not saying that is the proper line of thinking. I'm saying, that is how my mind chooses to consider things.

This is the part where most people are probably thinking "well that's why you get anit-depressants and take your meds and you'll be ok." That's possible. But I'll tell you from experience that there is a state of existence where you feel no emotions. When you are taking on the regiment of pills daily to cope, you reach a state of being where you feel nothing. Sure, you have your spikes. Something can be funny, or something can make you made, but the better part of the emotional plane of existence is flat and that is not living. When you are so tuned out emotionally that you feel nothing, that is a prison worse than the one of depression. At least when you are in the throws of depression you feel something. You have emotions. You are alive. But not when you are on the meds. When you are on the meds you are practically dead already. You are one big walking zombie not feeling a thing. It is more depressing to feel nothing than it is to feel depressed. So that's why we stop taking the meds. Then we feel again. And if you are anything like me, as soon as you start feeling again you are happy. Hell, life is just about better than ever. But eventually, the blackness splashes back at your feet, and before you know it you are drowning in your depression again. It's a hellacious cycle and because you know how bad it is to feel nothing, you push back the meds. "No, I can hold out a little while longer" you think. And so you wait to start looking for help again. You wait because you know that while you need to feel nothing to save yourself that feeling nothing is the worst thing imaginable. And the waiting game is where you lose it. If you wait too long, you are beyond help.

Since the midnight hour is close at hand, I will call it an evening. Just please keep in mind, whatever your feelings on suicide, just know that if somebody you care for is suffering, it isn't the time to proselytize. It's the time for action. Get them to a professional. Get them the help they need. They will thank you for it in the long run.